Potiron machine part seventeen

I wrote this on August 20, 2008.

I am sat on a two-seater couch with a coffee table and four chairs as my audience. I’m still in the Holiday Inn in Heathrow surrounded by people conducting the public aspect of their life. This means both business and pleasure. I must be incredibly cheap and stubborn, or in other words, frugal. I have yet to pay for a thing today and have demanded that I don’t pay charges I have accrued at this hotel. I adore the emphasis on customer service in the hospitality and tourism industry. Without a company credo forcing the ‘grin and bear it’ motto on its employees, I’d be out at least £80.

I have twice swallowed my gum today. I’m not especially proud of that. Normally I can make a delightful choking slash hocking sound and save the gum from the depths of my throat. Not today. I must be out of practice. Has England deteriorated my street skillz?

The ending of that last paragraph was bittersweet.

Géraud is going on a Guinness diet so that his bide can get some R&R. The limit, for at least a solid seven consecutive days, must not exceed one Guinness par jour. And there is no option for accumulation. Although, I must admit that Guinness has been the source of some great nights. It has also fed my addiction of list-making.

Prix de Guinness en Angleterre

The Albert Hotel (Widnes) £2.50

The Manors Arms (Widnes) £2.80

Park Royal (Warrington) £3.60

Wetherspoon’s (various locations) £2.20 £1.69 on Monday

The Railway (Runcorn) £2.54

The Mohammed Ali (Widnes) £2.75

The Hillcrest Hotel (Widnes) £2.60

The Bradley (Widnes) £2.50

The Old Queen’s Head (Chester) £3.00

O’Neil’s (Liverpool) £2.60

Evenwood Farm Pub (Runcorn) £3.00

The Wellington Arms (Runcorn) £2.40

The Barley Mows (Runcorn) £2.60

The Bears Paw (Frodsham) £2.57

Holiday Inn Heathrow (London) £3.75

The temperature outside can’t be more than 65 and the air conditioner is on. I don’t understand the reasoning for using A/C when the temperature outside is actually colder than the A/C setting. It must all feed into the illusion that this is summer.

THEN I WROTE THIS

My eyes have developed super powers. I can look out a window and at any given time see rain. It’s similar to how people with ESP can sense spirits and ghosts. The sun can be fully round and egg-yolk yellow and still the gouttes will present themselves to my eyes. Now, mostly for fear of persecution, I have not divulged my super power to anyone. Imagine the harassment of “the girl who sees rain” or even worse “the freak who thinks water is constantly suspended then drops in the sky”. It would certainly kill my career as a Children’s TV presenter. Children don’t like rain it makes them shrivel and feel old, which they fear, unless they are more then 6/12^ths of the way towards their next candle blow.

What is the best way to teach fractions? Age or Money? Do you think that drug dealers excelled in chemistry in high school? I bet they were pretty adept with a triple-beam balance.

I just burped but I could hardly hear it. It’s not silent in this lobby. I think the best silence villain was a salesman this morning who was trying to sell (con) three men into the candy machine business. To me, it sounded instantly bogus. He was aggressive and too prepared to knock out questions of doubt. This man probably loves a good striptease. At one point during his spiel he actually said this, “don’t worry about getting mugged because as soon as it happens the thief will realise he just grabbed a bag full of 20p coins and let go and it’ll make quite a scene as they spill all over the ground”. SO how bout some candy machines? A man reminiscent of the glasses man in Willy Wonka minus the glasses and cool creep and add slime and shiest. The sugary sweetness of candy loses most of its appeal when you know a greased down suit stands behind it, rubbing his sweaty hands to warm his frozen soul.