Here I am.
This is a stark break from previous entries raving about my arrival on sovereign soil. I have too much time and too much information coupled with too little experience. Add in my lack of vehicle and you are looking a lady destined for the welfare line as soon as student status clears...
There is so much frustration in learning it all the hard way. I could use an older sister.
The biggest downside is not my stagnating life, but the fact that I will cause stagnation and another to wallow in the self despair and misery that is endless waiting for an unknown future. I guess decisions based on emotion are irrational, through and through-but really I think that a world that refuses to accept love and only embrace cold-logic cannot and will never be good. TED Talks say 'do what makes you happy, pursue your dream and don't give in to temptation of money'. Yes, this is nice and all, but if we are adults born into debt, the youthful idealism of community spirit dies out- almost instantly. We resent the poor who use 'social services' and envy the rich whose money fuels the rising expense of private services. And yet, our derision to the extremes of society obscures the fundamental message-we are all individuals living together as a society struggling to keep on keepin' on. There is no battle between the rich and the poor with the middle getting hit from both sides. This is a militaristic vision of society that only exists in the teleprompters of the TV land man. This perpetuation of violence and this obsession with power and abuse is blinding us all from our shared human existence.
Life is now and then it is gone.
You are the other.
6 comments:
I don't have a big brother or a big sister... I have to find it all out the hard way on my own as well. Most of us do, anyway. There is absolutely nothing that prepares us to "real" life at school...
I suppose it was not so long ago, Bill Gates gave a speech in a high school about 11 things they didn't and won't learn at school.
rule 1: life is not fair - get use to it.
rule 2: the world doesn't care about your self esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about it.
rule 3: you will not make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
rule 4: if you think your teachers are tough, wait until you get a boss.
rule 5: flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grand parents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.
rule 6: if you mess up, it's not your parents' fault or any body else's fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
rule 7: before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, wiping your ass, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.
rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
I've put them all because it was his speech and I wanted to be comprehensive with this quote, even if a couple of them I'm not agreeing with at 100%... However, this is it. This is the sad moment when you become aware that this shield people spent years building around you (particularly parents/family; but definitely the education system and society in general)just fell apart and you're not ready for this, because no-one told you. Have you ever heard that sentence: "forget it, you're too young". I use to hear that one about 10 times a day for anything and about any subject, until I just stopped asking. Well, from 'too young' you just end up one day being just the right age to take it in your face. This is bad education, that. This serves no purposes, and definitely nobody. I really do remember myself as a 'teenager', you know. I was a fucking dickhead. But nobody ever took the time to explain me anything about life, real life. The more I was asking, the more I was too young, the more I had time to think about this, time to see it coming. I actually had so much time to see it coming that today, it's there for quite a while already, but I still don't know how to deal with any of all that shit other than barely coping with what life decided to put in my way. The result: I feel sad but I can't work out why. I feel like I missed something somewhere, that I went down the wrong path. I feel lost, I feel unprepared, I feel weak and unarmed; fucking naked and bare handed on the battlefield 10 seconds before the assault. I feel like I'm stuck, I can't go back, I don't want to move forward.
It's like these people around me popping out babies as if they were on a bloody production line and that are 6, 7 or even 10 years younger than me. I'm not ready for having a baby. I can barely take care of myself, what you want me to do with a fucking baby?! Hang myself in despare? Come on...! Let's be serious, this is a dead end. I feel angry a little bit as well when I look back and I remember them touching the top of my head with their hand, bending forward like I was a dwarf with this Oh! so fake smile on their face telling: Aww! He is cute... But you are too young to understand that. And the bullshit playlist was launched. At least, at the time, I think that if I was asking it was because I had the capability to understand. However, I will never be able to prove it: they blew it all. And now, that I have to understand, I don't want to. It's too late to tell me things I asked about 10 or 15 years ago by simply putting my nose in their shit. Maybe I would have had time to prepare myself in 10 or 15 years. Maybe I would have had time to find out what all this is really about and lead my own way, rather than creeping / crawling at the back end of it. Yes Allysin, I know where you coming from, I suppose a lot of people do too. Unfortunately, it looks like it's another one of them we could talk about for years, it still would the same... It's out of our hands, it's way above our powerlessness. We just haven't found the highway up the pile of shite yet and traffic is mental... What if we should just focus on the journey? and try to enjoy what deserves it? maybe... maybe there is no-one old enough to tell us what it is all about.
4000 caracters per posts... no more! Be aware of this or google will tell you. Maybe google thinks you're old enough to understand that...
Have a good day
You have a lot to say.
This entry was two-fold in its spirit. It started bemoaning the idleness of unemployment and transitions in life AND then it moved to acknowledge the immediacy that must be enjoyed and that we must focus on happiness and goodness-awe, embarrassment, love, laughter, and forgetting.
I am now in the latter phase of my thinking. I have decided that regardless of what happens, I will still be alive and that is the most essential thing I can ever hope and as long as my basics are covered then everything else is just luxury. Self fulfillment is at the top of my pyramid.
This is an honorable and wise goal. I wish you to succeed. I feel I would be in the same reasoning / thinking phase as you are and be able to take a decision on what I should do with what I have. I feel sometimes I don't even have the time to think about this kind of stuff. When I could, I kind of shut my brain off, because I'm actually scared of what I could find out. Being a coward is so lame!
Tu ne blog plus? :-(
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